So Nathaniel's Father and I actually had a talk about everything. For the first time in a while since it happened. I feel sorta relieved. Like a feeling I haven't got to say has been taken away. Even though he says he doesn't want to talk about it. I feel like things are getting better, maybe to the point where one day we both will want to and feel like we can.

Nathaniel,
Daddy does love you.
Always remember that.
I love you too!
Miss you,
Mommy!

As time goes by...

I wonder where we would be.

Everyday I count the times.

You told me you loved me.

Everytime I look in your eyes...

I see what could of been.

The Birthdays we would of celebrated.

The laughs we would of shared.

I'm counting the days...

Til' He turns one.

Til' his first words.

Then I realize...

It was just a dream.

He grew wings...

Before I could say"I love you"

I have had soo much going and soo much on my mind lately, that I can't even put into words what I feel. So I don't have much to say. Today Nathaniel Riley would be 14weeks old and soon it'll be a year since I lost. A whole year with out my baby boy that I wanted and loved soo much the moment the I found out I was pregnant with him. Since it'll be a year, I want to do something in his memory. I want his father to be able to do it too. So I was thinking maybe write him a letter and tie to a balloon and let it fly away. Maybe he'll get it and know that I love him :/

I have been cleaning all day and finally settled down to relax. My friend calls, wanting to hang out. So that is what I am doing now. All day my mind hasn't really crossed it. I didn't have time to let myself get down about losing them. I still have a moment where I think about it everyday.

I can't believe its almost been a year. On Monday it'll be a year since my ex and I messed up. I remember that day like it was yesterday. He came over, I let him in, We fell asleep, and When we woke up.. That day is when we fall apart, when everything changed. Monday being a year means that soon it'll be a year since I lost Nathaniel...He'd be 14weeks old on Monday. I miss him so much. Everything was fine..and then he was gone...

R.I.P Nathaniel Riley & Danielle Adalie <3
Mommy misses you & loves you both
with all my heart

Today feels like it's been one of my better days. I spent all day posting stories and promoting the website. I talked to Nathaniels' father for a little bit. I was trying to get him to share his prospective but he said thinking about what happen makes him mad. So I left it alone. After that, I just cried for a little bit. I really loved him and everytime i talk to him or see him, all i can think is our son...I look in eyes and his face, I see what could of been...

With everything that I've been through and the amount of emotions and pain and everything else that I feel on a daily basis. I honestly think I'm going crazy. No will ever understand what i feel and what its like until they've lost a child. No counselor can console me and make me feel better. No tears can change anything. Telling me that God has a plan blah blah blah is gonna make me feel better. I've heard it all before. My site helps, it keeps me busy and I made to help others because that's just who I am. I like helping others. But at night when it's all said and done, I cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much. I made the site because I hate to see someone feel so helpless like I feel now. I feel beyond helpless because nothing helps ease the pain and I hear all the time "You'll have kids one day" "Give it time, you'll heal. You'll have kids when its your time" I'm 17yrs old for crying out loud. One day? When is one day? One day is probably a few yrs from now. A few more years of feeling like this. And another child isn't gonna take away what I feel. I just want someone to stop saying saying those things and just hug me and cry with me and tell me that everything will okay because right now its not...

I almost forgot to post today. I haven't been in the writing mood lately. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Nothing's helping. It seems like either no one cares, no one knows what to say so they avoid, or they just want me to "move on." I get that in time, I should move on but right now I can't. Its only been almost 6weeks since I lost Danielle and I need more time. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even care. "Time flies by but I feel the same. Nothings change so why does it seem like the who

For the past week, while I was out of town, I've been contemplating on what to do with the baby clothes I had bought for Danielle. I kinda just don't want to even look at them but at the same time I don't like knowing they're in there and there isn't a baby coming home anytime soon. Today if i get up the courage, i mi

Today is turning out to be an okay day. Its been an easier day because I'm keeping myself busy. I have been working on the site a lot. Trying to get some promoting going. I am working on a facebook page which isn't going well. I don't really have much to say right now. I'm kinda in a daze...Cried myself to sleep last night. All I could think about was "what if I can't...carry to term? what if I can't have kids? what if I lose the only guy that means the world to me, all because we can't get past losing our daughter together..?" I mean he wasn't her biological father but he was their more then her real dad and I honestly love him. I don't want to lose him. Yet, I'm starting to wonder will I...