With it almost being a yr since losing my son and seeing my ex everyday, I am kind of down a little but things in my life are moving a little fast in a good way. My boyfriend is coming to visit this week and we have a lot to talk about but I'm just excited to see him. I really miss him. Right now we're just taking it slow, my parents don't like the age difference(2yrs exactly) and I really want my parents to except things.
I'm starting to feel like I want to be able to talk to my mom about things more. Especially at times when I feel like I really miss my two and want someone to just lend a shoulder. It's hard not having that type of relationship with my mom. Over the yrs, we have developed a better relationship and so has my dad and I which is good. I missed out on a lot of father-daughter things growing up when I was little and not because my dad wasn't around but because he had other things to do with other people's kids. He's a coach for football, track, basketball, etc. I was never the sporty girl so. Anywho, I just want things to be a little different I guess.
Been thinking a lot about college lately and what to major in and do for the rest of my life. I use to have it all down packed. I knew what school I wanted to go to, major in, become, etc all since I was like 5yrs old. It's always been my dream, my goal and no one could take it from me. I just never thought that losing my son would make me realize how much family means to me and how much I rather have an amazing family then the 5 different things I want to accomplish by the time I'm 35. As long as I have 1 of those 5 and still have my family, I'll be happy. But will I regret it in the end? Not having all of what I had always dreamed of. But I just can't see how a family with kids fits somewhere along in it all. I want at least a kid by the time I'm 28. But I want to be a fashion designer with my own clothing line/store, a choreographer with my own dance studio, a music producer/song writer with my own record company, want to own my restaurant, I want to have my company that helps people like a counseling service that helps young girls just like me now dealing with a loss of a child and feeling alone when pregnant. Can I really have it all? Can I make it by the time I'm 35? Can I have and raise a child with in all of this with our them feeling like my work is more important? I don't know. I'm not super women but she's my role model.

I haven't been feeling so good at all lately. Nothing really tastes good or makes me nauseous. I'm just blah I guess. Trying to get use to sleeping until 6am not 10am and bed by 10 or 11pm not 2am. But I'm not sure if that has to with me not feeling well. I haven't since Friday and haven't been able to sleep good since maybe last week on Monday. Hope I feel better soon.

So the one question I dreaded was asked today. I was nervous and scared someone would ask about Danielle. Seeing as I left school pregnant and now I'm not. My friend asked and I trust him. He's a good friend. But it was like I froze. I kept saying "I'll tell you later" or "Why now? I'll text you." I didn't know what to say. It's still hard for me to say my baby died. I can type it, I can write it but saying it is a whole other story. So I told him over text. Not the best way but I just couldn't say it. He hasn't replied or said anything. But knowing him, he'll say something tomorrow. Oh and I found out today that my ex(Nathaniel's father) is in two of my classes and has my lunch period. I don't really know what to think or how to feel about it. I can't change it so.

   Well...it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I like my classes and my teachers. I saw him...once. Hopefully that will be the only time, unless some how I can block out everything. Anywho, my day went good until I got a headache and started not to feel so well. No one asked about what happen seeing as I was pregnant when I left school and now I'm not. Although, my friend did give me that look, like what happen but he didn't want to say anything. I feel like it's going to be a good year. My senior year :)
   I still got a really bad headache and not feeling so hot but hopefully if I lay down, maybe rest some it'll go away. I hope. Overall, it's been a  good day. I can smile about it :)
Missing my Babies, R.I.P <3

I am beyond angry. I'm furious. I'm upset. I'm angry at myself. I'm at the world. I'm just angry. I want to yell and scream but the words just won't come out. Grief is something I'm new at. Yet, I've been doing it for so long.  I guess, I'm just now understanding it all.

So my ex and I are talking again. Like he's really trying to be there for me. I had my first major break down last night. The first in 2yrs. I can't sleep, I'm having nightmares, slight anxiety attacks. I wanted to talk about it when it first happen but now I just can't. I guess I was hoping so much not to lose my ex and to get through it together. But in the end, I lost him. That barricade wall that I built around myself, I had taken down to let him in. Now it's 3 barricade walls and I can't afford to let someone in. I want to talk about it, I really do but for some reason I can't. The words just won't come out.

I super excited for the first Weekly Group Chat on Thursday. I hope a lot of moms take the opportunity to talk with other moms about their story. So I'm preparing for that. But at the same time, I'm really missing my babies :/

R.I.P Nathaniel & Danielle <3

After my ex went MIA for a month and didn't talk to me(or anyone else as he claims.) Only a little less then 4weeks after losing Danielle, I needed him and he just left. He texted me the other last night saying "Heyyy" like everything could seem as normal as it was. He cared so much about Danielle despite that he wasn't her biological father. He said he was really depressed and just shut everyone out. I get that but at the same time, I'm so angry and I don't want to be. Yet, I feel like he should of just talked to me. He should of just said something. I was hurting too. I still am...I loved him. He was the only guy after Nathaniel's father, that I felt safe with and I could trust with my heart. I don't feel that with anybody else. My heart is screaming so much at me. I can't tell how I feel. I'm so angry and it's mostly not even at him. I am  so hurt and feel so much pain, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

The past few days have just been kind of a blur. So much is on my mind, I seem to always be in my own little world. I'm happy but at the same time I'm sad. I always have to put on a happy face for everyone else. I really don't want to go back to school. Yet, I'm unbelievably excited for it. So many things to do, so little time..

Lately, I have been feeling like everyone's mad at me for some reason or another. Everyone's barely talking to me, ignoring me, etc. It's like their either mad at me or hiding something. I'm slowly losing friends and I really could use one right now. I'm excited for school because I will be a senior but at the sametime I'm scared out my mind.