I haven't written in a while. Just been busy and everytime I go to write, I fall asleep. Filled out some forms to volunteer with Big Brother Big Sister. Getting past my relationship. Just stuff,. With everything going on, I've blocke out a lot thats happen over the past month and it's not that what happen even effected me and is bothering me. I just chose to let it go and not think about it. It pissed my friend off because I chose not to tell anyone and I think I might have to. Anywho, my friend wants me to take this birthing class online video thing with her so I'm off! Hope everyone is doing good!

I gave up on my relationship...I didn't want to but I just couldn't do it anymore. The wondering, the waiting, the hoping, the... I love him but I just can't sit around waiting anymore. My heart can't take it...I feel like I made the right decision but it hurts so much... I broke my own heart for my heart to let go and it sucks...

I always get this "feelings" about things and they always seem to be right. Like when I got pregnant with Nathaniel, the day after I got pregnant I just felt something wasn't right or normal with me, my body. I just kept thinking "Omg, Am I pregnant?" I just felt my body chnage to start taking care of this little baby growing inside me. But lately, things have been crazy with my boyfriend and I have a weird feeling that somethings up with him. And at the same time I have that same feeling I had when I got pregnant but I can feel it's not me that's pregnant. Like it's someone else. I'm not sure if that's what the feeling is about but all I know is it's not good for my relationship. Just something up with my boyfiend and it's going to hit our relationship hard. This feeling is crazy because it's not just a feeling about one thing. It's something else too but I don't know what.

So I'm not sure if anyone really reads my blogs. But lately, I've been feeling like I kinda somewhat wanna start a pen pal kinda like thing with girls who have been through the same. Cause I know I've been feeling like I just want that friend/person who is my age and has lost a child that I could just text, email, write, hang out with, whatever and not feel so alone/like theres no one near thats been through the same. But I wanna test it out first before I introduce an email pen pal kinda thing for the site and make it up to them, if they want to do other then just email. Like I could put a form on here for it and people could fill it out and tell  a little about themselves and then match with them someone close to their age. Anywho, if you want to try it with me or have an idea or think it's a good idea, please just email me at [email protected]

Finally figured out exactly what I want to do for Nathaniels one yr. I'm still not sure if I want to include his father, I might. I mean it was son too. But, I would like to plant a rosebush, make a thing with baby footprints with his name and put it by the rosebush. Also, start like a scrapbook and out pictures of what i do for every yr that pass and every birthday, put letters I write to him in it, poems, his only ultrasound pic, etc. So I can show his future brothers/sisters. I might to do the same thing for Danielle too. So that's my plan.